PopelierPauline

I lay here, remembering.
My eyes well up, a small stream of tears travel down my cheek.
I desperately try to wipe it away, yet it keeps coming.
Never did I think someone would break me this badly again.
This feeling of losing something dear, without knowing what you did wrong.
Exept maybe giving your all.
Your silence says it all. I try to reach out, but I’ve been put on mute.
Moving on. Putting back the pieces.
Closing up again. Being strict with myself.
And try to forget. But I never will.
Because the cracks still show. 
They will always show. 

The heart still aches under the sound of your song

Why is this life worth living

If pain and hurt are waiting

At the end

At the bottom

Of our despair.

Well, first thing's first.
I'm going through a shit ass time right now.
Actually, it's been like that for the last 14 years.
I'll be honest with you, I've physically harmed someone for the second time already.
Although I swore not to become like a certain person.
I've lowered myself to his level, and I feel disgusted of myself.
I've been crying for the last month, keeping suicide thoughts in mind, and slept with a knife under my pillow.

I am NOT happy since I moved.
My social life has gone under, and I'm starting to feel a little depressed.
The only thing that keeps me sane are my siblings.
They are the people I can truly rely on.
Each day I wake up with the same b*llsh*t thrown to my head, so my school performances aren't that spectacular.
My whole day is ruined.

Then I come home, eat, and go to my safe haven: my room.
Some nights I can't sleep, just because of the shouting and screaming.

So when I talk about this situation, it's always the other person's fault.
'Oh, I didn't buy the booze, he did!' ' No, you did you b*tch!' 'You *sshole!' etc.
And I'm so sick and tired of solving everything.
I'm 18 years old, can't I have a life?

Well, honesty is overrated in a family, because nobody will listen to you, defend you or BELIEVE you.

I should just shut up and leave things as they are.
Now I'm the cause of a boy missing his tv show.
He called me 'a piece of pork'.
Should I be offended?
I dunno.
Learned to deal with such judgements a long, long time ago.
Well, here I am, in a cold, crappy isolated room where it's barely 1° C .
Just because a boy fell asleep during his tv show , and I woke him up so he could go to his warm room of 20°C, just so I could enjoy some warmth by sleeping on the couch.
Guess it's too much to ask.

Am I the source of all this evil?